Planning a box

I get to meet people on the worse days of their life. I have come to accept that one cannot change the past but what I do know is that with the support of friends you can take charge of your present if you are willing to think outside of the box.

I never got to meet Owen while he was alive. As my job as a hospital social worker I reunited Owen with his family after he was viciously murdered at his ranch. Death for most families represents a gaping hole, for Owen's family and friends I suspect that this emptiness took on the feel of a swirling black hole ready to suck the life from anyone who ventured to come close. I don't know the full impact of this experience but I was asked to come along side and create something constructive, a final resting box personalized and fitting for a very unique individual.

Today I sat down with Owen's family and introduced myself and explored with them the philosophy behind simple pine boxes. The reality of the situation is that I am less of a carpenter and more of an orchetral director. Although I am front and centre I am most comfortable when I am invisible to the audience of listeners and only the sound of the music can be heard. In my opinion too much of the current death care industry is like a one man band playing a carefully scripted limited repoitoir of music, outdated and somewhat tacky.

The discussion usually begins by expaining what my boxes do not look like.


No, "they do not have fancy satin lining with overstuffed matresses and adjustable bedframes." Why? "I find that people sometimes have more personal touches that they want to add to the box. I asked the family what would make sense to Owen. Sheryle told me that she has a thick wool blanket from Mexico that she could use. I agreed with her and told her that I think this blanket would be perfect.

I didn't even have to prompt the family about the design of the box. They knew that it should look like a log cabin. In order to comply with limited size and weight we chose log siding. The style would be piece on piece (an Eastern Canadian tradition) where the majority of the logs were horizontal and the support structures were vertical. We threw out different ideas about the corner pillars and I suggested that it might be a good idea to include materials from their home ranch. Sheryle now understood how the process would unfold. As the conductor I made a conscious choice to step backwards and stay out of the way of the momentum that was starting to build. I knew at this point my job was to sit back and enjoy the music and only intervene when absolutely necessary because I knew that it was not my job to critique the musicians but engage with them enough so that the music would not abruptly stop.